Sunday, November 06, 2005

The Types of Ass Wipes

The Wad Maker
This person could go through a roll of toilet paper in one visit. They grab the roll of paper and spin off a tree's worth of paper, wad it up into a tight ball and wipe one time. They then repeat. These people are known to have industrial plungers in their homes to clear the clogs they create. You will also find their house to be cluttered, but still clean.

The Folder
This anal retentive person will take the needed amount of paper and fold it into several strips which will each be used for wiping. Usually this is done in preparation of the wipe with each folded tissue laying in wait on the owners leg. This person's home is immaculate. Often you could eat off the floor it is so clean. The person is a control freak, and likes things done her/his way.

The Miser
This cheapo son of a bitch is someone to avoid al all costs. The Miser will split the two ply paper into a single ply and only use one square. The Miser will date you, but will only take you to McDonald's with a 2 for 1 coupon.

The Heart Breaker
This is actually every ex-boyfriend because really...aren't all ex's ass wipes?

The Blotter
Often teamed up with a bidet, this users blots dry or clean. They are very tender people, who understand the necessity of a light touch at times. Excellent with wound care.

The Scrubber
This person will either be a Folder or a Wad Maker. The technique they will use is to thoroughly wipe backwards and forwards insure that they truely are clean. These people have clean windows and waxed floors.

The Streaker - who's underwear says "missed a spot"

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